Asian Cole Slaw

Asian Cole Slaw

Have you ever had the experience that you were living in a scene from one of your favorite TV shows?  I am a huge Seinfeld fan and one of my favorite episodes was when Jerry is dating a woman with “Man Hands.”  The scene in which the woman wipes something off Jerry’s face and he reacts to her large hands on his face is priceless.  Well this is my version of that episode.

After my divorce, I came to realize that the majority of my friends were married.  Which meant anytime we would get together, I was the “Single Guy” in the group.  I was appreciative that they still continued to invite me to their parties and looked forward to hanging out with my childhood friends. However, the thought of being the only person in the group without a partner began to wear on me.  I decided the next time, my married friends invited me to a party, I was going to have a date regardless of the situation.

It was a Monday afternoon in late February and college basketball season was in full effect.  Where I live in Kentucky, you either bleed red or blue depending on if you are a Cardinal or Wildcat fan.  College basketball is king in the state of Kentucky.  A good friend of mine calls to invite me over on Saturday to watch both the Cardinals and Wildcats in conference tournament action.  He tells me that the usual married couples will be over there and he would like me to bring my infamous “Asian Cole Slaw.”

Later on that evening, I was contemplating, whether to go online to find a date for this party or just show up solo again.  Could I really find someone to bring around my friends in such short notice?  What the hell?  I decided this time I will show up with a date for the party.  I sign in to my online dating profile and begin the search for my party companion.  It has to be someone who enjoys college basketball and hopefully a Cardinal fan as well.

My first thought is to search through the women who had viewed my profile recently to see if there were anyone that fit that description.  If they viewed my profile, they had to have some interest in me, right?  Hopefully, this will be a quick solution to my situation.  I notice that a woman with the profile name of “CardinalGal” had viewed me within the past 24 hours.  Her profile mentions that she loves college basketball, bingo!  The only issue, her profile says her height is 5’10” and I am 5’8″ on a good day.  How much difference can 2 inches make?  (I am sure there is a joke somewhere in that last question, but I’ll leave that up to the ladies.)

I shoot off a quick introduction email, mentioning that it sounds like we have things in common.  You know, we’re both single, college basketball fans and root for the Cardinals.  Well at least, it is a start.  I click the “send” button and hope to receive a response soon.  On Wednesday evening, I get a response from “CardinalGal”.  We exchange a few complimentary emails and finally I ask if we can grab a drink the next evening.  We agree to meet at a local microbrewery for beers.

The next night, while enjoying our beers and each other’s company.  I decide to ask her if she would like to accompany me to the college basketball party on Saturday.  She says that she would love to go and asks if there is anything she can bring.  I tell her not to worry because I will be making Asian Cole Slaw and will bring some beer.  She had never ate that type of slaw, but was eager to try it.

When I pick up my date on Saturday, I am shocked by her appearance.  The 5’10” woman who I had recently met is now wearing high heels which is now putting her height to at least 6’0″ and I am still a meager, but proud 5’8″.  On top of wearing high heels, she has teased her blonde hair very high and has decided to wear a leopard skin pattern blouse with tight jeans.  I’m sorry, I thought we were attending a college basketball party not a 1980’s Def Leppard concert.  Okay, it’s too late now, this should make for good conversation at the party.  My friends will have fun with this.

We pull into my friend’s driveway and I notice that everyone is out on the deck awaiting our arrival.  The shear anticipation they must feel as they wait to see my date.  I stop the ignition and almost start laughing at the comments that will soon arise.  I wave to my friends as I go around back to the trunk to get my cooler of beer and Asian Cole Slaw.  As we are walking up the driveway, I hear one of my friends whisper, “Whose mom did he bring?”  At that point, I wanted to laugh because I knew this was going to be a long day filled with jokes.  I just hoped my date doesn’t catch on to my friend’s humor and that my cole slaw is a hit.

After introductions, my friends and I go into the living room to catch the announcer’s pre-game predictions.  Immediately, they look at me and ask where did you find her, 1984?  They want to know why did I bring someone’s mom to the party.  At this point, we are cracking up and I am kicking myself for not flying solo to this party.

The food is being set out and I decide that at least my slaw has a chance.  Everyone is loving the slaw and asking me for the recipe.  It seems to compliment the chicken wings well.  As I am eating my food, my date leans in and tells me that I have a piece of slaw on my face.  Before I know it, her hand is on my face wiping the food off.  Not only, is my date a lot taller than me, but I just felt the largest and roughest “Man Hands” on my face.  I am grossed out and realize she could at least use some moisturizer because now I think I have a cut on my face.  I notice my buddies smiling as they see my date treat me as if I am one of her kids.

The party is over and I am taking my date home.  We both had a good time.  I enjoyed catching up with my friends and she seemed to like talking with my friend’s wives about reality shows.  We arrive at her house and she thanks me for inviting her.  I lean over to give her a hug and she grabs my face with those enormous hands while laying a hard kiss on me.  I now know what a basketball feels like after being palmed by Michael Jordan.  Yeah, this isn’t going to work for me.

Why did I pressure myself into thinking that I needed to bring someone to this party on such a short notice.  My friends would have been fine with me showing up by myself.  This was my fault and I felt bad for bringing this woman to this party.  At least we had some good laughs and someone’s mom got to taste Asian Cole Slaw.



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